blogging a – z challenge – “d”

D

Dream

I chose “dream” because I had a dream about Kade that I woke up from this morning. It wasn’t a wonderful dream where I felt as if his spirit was visiting me, that family and friends of his have described having (I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced that). It wasn’t a great dream where I felt as if was getting to lay eyes on him. It was kind of a bad dream where it involved his death and me lamenting it. So, I suppose, a reflection of real life.

In the dream Kade had to go away. Like to juvenile detention, or to jail, or something. He had to go away someplace, and for some reason, he died where he could not come back, instead of simply going to jail where he could come back. And I was lamenting my part in it.

“Why didn’t he choose jail?!–he could have come back! Why did he choose dying?! That was so stupid! Why didn’t we think this through?! Why didn’t I think to talk him out of the death option before it was too late?!” These are not necessarily the words I was saying, but the feelings I was having. Yeah, pretty awful.

But as I’ve mentioned before…anything that brings me closer to Kade is somehow strangely comforting. I dreamed about him = I haven’t forgotten him. More frightening than mourning his death, or even my part in it in a dream, is forgetting him.

I’ve had a handful of Kade dreams since he died. I keep a dream journal next to my bed so I can write them down because they are so fleeting. Some have been sad but some have been really comforting.

I’ll briefly describe my favorite:

I didn’t have my dream journal because I was traveling, so I voice-recorded it on my phone. The night before, I had been especially missing Kade before going to bed. It was a definite low. When I woke the next morning, I recalled the dream. I was having a conversation with my healthy-looking smiling boy. (So healthy, in fact, he looked a little fuller in the face, and had a beauty mark on his face that he didn’t have in life–strange). Kade looked so content. And it came to me after a little while that my vantage point talking with him in the dream was the exact spot I was sitting where I was missing him so acutely the night before.

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13 thoughts on “blogging a – z challenge – “d”

  1. I remember after my mom died (which was no way as hard as losing a child, though I have never lost a child, but it is every parent’s worst nightmare) I had a few dreams about her. I remember in my dream realizing she was no longer with us, but glad to see her and “hear” her voice. I’m never sure about dreams; I know we have to dream, but never sure what they might represent. I have heard though that it is good to keep a dream journal to record dreams we have.

    betty
    http://viewsfrombenches.blogspot.com/

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  2. I have crazy marathon Technicolor dreams. I should start a dream journal my self. I have a lot of bad bad dreams though which I wish I could understand. I hate my dreams!!

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  3. I can feel your pain and grief. I read somewhere that dreams are a way of communication with the deceased or just an expression of our deepest desires. Stay strong and a big hug to you!

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  4. To me, that dream sounds like you trying to work out your feelings over his death. Which is a good thing to do. Dreams are funny things. Sometimes they mean just what you think they mean, and sometimes not. Not that I know anything about dreams or anything.

    I just stumbled across your blog via A to Z. Another blog I stumbled across years ago also has a writer who lost a son. Have you been to her blog? It’s here: http://www.lganhouraway.com/

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  5. When I lost my mom in 1997, I didn’t dream of her for years, and that used to make me very unhappy. I felt as if she was still upset at me about something. And then one night, I did finally dream about her. Nothing happy or sad… just routine stuff, like a normal day in our house when she was around. And for the first time after her death, I realized that I had finally accepted her departure and moved on. Hugs to you!
    – Chicky @ http://www.mysteriouskaddu.com

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  6. Jenny, sorry you had some not-good dreams, but I’m glad you had the good one which stemmed from your missing him so the night prior, and very neat that you were talking to him in the spot you were sitting while missing him. Love you and hope to see you next weekend.

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