blogging a – z challenge – “n”

N

Never say never.

It’s been three and a half years since Kade died. In that time I could have easily said, “I’ll never smile again. I’ll never laugh again. I’ll never feel good again. I’ll never do this. I’ll never do that.” And I probably have said those things, or thought them.

But…you never know…

When I go to play trivia at a local brewery tasting room with friends and family….it’s fun. When I see Asher playing at the park with his dear friends, the girls I’ve nannied for almost two years…I smile. When I have a great date night with my husband, and we reminisce and renew our bond…I’m invigorated.

I’m not saying that life is what it was Before—it’s not. But I do cringe when I see or hear my fellow bereaved making blanket statements about the rest of their lives.

I liked something my husband said on a recent exceptional date night. He said he was proud of me for doing the things I’ve done in the wake of Kade’s death. I told him, honestly, I don’t know why I do anything. I don’t know why I have any will to live…I just do.

He wondered if it might be because Kade wouldn’t want me to give up, or wither into nothingness. It sounds so cliché, over-said, and trite: but when I thought about it, it’s true that Kade wouldn’t want me (or anyone) to waste a lifetime. Or a day.

I remember a time when I didn’t go out and do a lot of fun stuff. Kade noticed and said, “I remember when you used to go out and dress up for parties. Why don’t you do that kind of thing anymore?” He was remembering an annual party I used to go to where friends and I picked a theme and dressed accordingly. And he was right, I didn’t do that sort of thing anymore.

I remember the essence of what that kid was telling me:

“Get out there and live, for Pete’s sake.”

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3 thoughts on “blogging a – z challenge – “n”

  1. Good for you! And you probably also said that you’d never write about it like this.
    One of my friends lost her daughter two years before we lost my stepson. She was beside me every step of the way. While she still mourns her daughter deeply, especially during the month of March, which she wishes didn’t exist anymore because of the memories, she and her husband still relish life & are closer than ever. They’ve gone to Hawaii. They travel to Sand Diego every few months (they live in CA), they head to their favorite casinos once a year and still live life…in between the tears. As she says, “It’s just a new kind of normal.”

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  2. I can understand living a “new normal” after someone dies. While I don’t have kids yet, I do know what it’s like to lose someone you love. Six years ago I lost my grandma, who was like a second mom to me and I was lucky to have her in my life for almost 23 years (she died right before my 23rd bday). I had taken care of her for a few years and nothing had prepared me for what I would go through. She was also one of those people who would want me to chase my dreams and have fun. It took awhile back then to move on into a new normal, but I have a few great friends who got me through and made me want to laugh and enjoy life again. ~Meg Writer‘s Crossings

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