capture your grief – day 5: the unspoken

Day 5 is a hard one. Here is CarlyMarie’s description:

Normalizing grief is so important and that I why today I am calling upon those who feel brave enough to speak about the nitty gritty side of grief. Share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children by or maybe it is something you fear about the future. Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!” and the fear of feeling like we are crazy is lifted and in some cases embraced!

There is a lot of nitty gritty of grief. It’s all nitty gritty. That will be a good topic to write on when I have more time to delve into it.

For now, here’s a time that comes to mind when I remember thinking, OK, this might be a bit crazy. It was raining late at night, and I was looking at my phone when I should have been trying to sleep. On the radar map of my weather app, I was “cruising around” the Denver Metro area looking at where it was raining. Then I wondered if it was raining on Kade.

I guided the map to the west, and found the windy road that goes to the top of Mt. Lindo. I made it to the top, and found myself with an eagle’s eye view of the mausoleum up there, the parking lot, and the enormous pine tree above his stone. And the scattering garden where we spread some of his ashes.

There are plenty of times when I feel that my actions could be viewed as crazy—not so much to other bereaved parents, but maybe to others. When I do things like visit Kade’s stone on a rainy night via an app on my phone, or say, “Good morning! I love you, Baby!” to a hawk coasting on an air current, I sort of feel crazy…but sort of feel like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

Perhaps leaning a teeny bit toward crazy is taking a screen shot of the top of Mt. Lindo from my weather app, drawing a red arrow to where Kade’s stone is, and posting it here for you to see.


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