Happy 28th, Kade!
This is the ninth birthday without him here. The first few were big, looming, and painful. Maybe it’s because there have been eight and a half years since his death…or because it’s COVID times where we’re in our tenth month of everything being a muted version of itself…or a combination…that this one does not seem so jagged. It seems more…hilly.
Being a grief therapist is great therapy for myself. I sometimes do the things that my clients and I discuss. Today I let my family know that I needed time to journal, and carved that time out tonight. I’m sitting on my bed with Kade’s softest flannel on and journals and pens strewn about. I might punctuate my evening with breaks to watch a show or have a snack with my family.
Today we played a little tennis. On our way home we went through the Starbucks drive-through to celebrate Asher making it through his second Suzuki violin book. He really is a hard worker at violin. This day before Kade’s birthday felt like a great time to buy the coffee of the car behind us in line. I’m glad we were all in the car because I’m usually by myself when I do that. Asher told us that he learned that doing something for someone else was brain healthy. Today we all got to share in the the serotonin boost of that little gesture.
Tomorrow we’ll go to Kade’s stone (I still don’t want to say, “the cemetery”) and then a hike. Unfortunately it won’t be one of the gorgeous 50- or 60-degree bluebird days we occasionally get in winter. It will be a high of 34 with chance of snow. Despite the forecast we’re still going because 1) winter was Kade’s season,
2) we had a great time being outdoors in the mountains last weekend, and 3) it’s been too long since I’ve gathered with his friends.
A fourth reason is that I had flannel masks made for his birthday that I’m excited to give!
Happy celestial 28th, wherever you are, Kade!
he wore flannel 
I love the flannel masks! What a great idea combining past and present. While it’s a relief to be living life in the “hills,” I also kind of miss the hard pain and dominance it took in my life. I feel like Robbie earned the right for me to miss him painfully. And I have earned the right to feel all the hard feelings. I know you will never forget all your feelings for Kade, and I admire how poignantly you celebrate his life.
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Mary, so true, so true! Who knew part of our grief would be grieving the grief? I think we may have done ANYTHING for the pain to subside then. And now…it feels so strange that the raw pain is not ALL-encompassing. The grief is still MUCH-encompassing, but the wretched pain of then is different now.
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“Asher told us that he learned that doing something for someone else was brain healthy”
So true.
I love my nephews so dearly and I miss Kade so much.
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Oh I know, Andy. And they love you, too!
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All the love, all the sorrow, the anger, the longing, the guilt, the joys of memories, the frustration, everything distills into a feeling that there is something I should do, but I don’t know what it is. I love reading what you do on these days. I can picture you in Kade’s room that we painted. I’m grateful for that. Much love. ❤️
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Yes, lots of feelings, and mothering and grandmothering to do still. Love you, Mom!
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Ah, 28 years. It seems so long ago and just yesterday ! And now I realize that your grief for him will go on and on and on . From the day you expected him until now and all your life . I’m so sorry I didn’t realize that until today Jenny. You will always miss him as you always loved him ❤️
(I hope what I’m saying is brain-healthy Asher. I love and respect your mom so much )
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I always think of you, Chloe, and your family around Kade’s birthday, and remember how young we were. How you had Chloe a few days before I had Kade and our years of fun that ensued. Thanks for the love all these years!
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