A t-word popped into my head immediately, in big outlined letters. Truth.
A phrase that is meaningful to me lately is Speaking my truth. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? But it’s sometimes challenging for me. In some instances I like to be the middle man. The peace keeper. To not rock the boat. To not upset anybody. To be liked. To not make things awkward. To not make trouble.
But I’ve found that it doesn’t feel good to do that in some instances. Sometimes peacekeeping is called for, but when it becomes habitual, and I don’t feel as if I’m being true to myself, it’s time to speak my truth. Or at least to practice doing so.
In a situation where I continued “going along” with how things were, time after time, agreeing after agreeing, appeasing after appeasing, nodding after nodding, supporting after supporting…when I felt as if every interaction was rotting my soul, I was given the challenge to speak just one truth in each conversation.
It was actually brilliant. A teeny manageable step toward forming different, healthier habits. That small challenge keeps me cognizant of speaking my truth.
I still find it very hard sometimes…but not impossible. Part of speaking your truth is realizing that others probably won’t like it. Changing the way things have been, and my role from an appeaser, isn’t always welcomed.
But I’m becoming more OK with that. Maybe it’s an over 40 thing. Maybe it’s a life after child loss thing. I’m trying to be more authentic. To be truer to myself even when someone else may not like it. To be more selective with the activities I say Yes to, even if I’m afraid that my saying No will disappoint.
It ain’t easy. I wish it was. I have friends it seems to be really easy for and I wish I were more like them sometimes. But I’m getting there, one little challenge to speak one little truth at a time.