I had had to be at my school before the sun would set tonight, so I snapped a picture as I arrived, about an hour before sunset.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m glad that this October’s Capture Your Grief is over. It was a healing, connecting exercise, but man, sometimes those healing connecting exercises are draining.
I learned that even a short post can say a lot. I disliked when I had a hard time thinking of a photograph to use. I liked that CarlyMarie emphasized that we should feel comfortable taking a day or days away from the project as needed. I also liked the memories of Kade that some of the themes conjured up. And I liked that my 6-year-old would occasionally ask, “Mama, what’s the theme today for Capture Your Grief?”
I have not made a specific promise to Kade since he died, per se. “Promises to him” seem to be sort of revealing themselves as my grieving morphs and changes.
From this parent’s desire that her son not be forgotten, a promise takes shape to speak his name. From the drive to remember and honor him, and to feel the familiarity of ritual, a promise develops to celebrate his life on his anniversary date, birthday, and holidays.
When I think of Kade and promises, it brings me back to middle-of-the night feedings with my newborn almost 24 years ago. I brought him to the cushy reclining rocking chair in the living room of our little apartment so as not to wake his dad. I turned on the TV for dim light (reruns of Gilligan’s Island). I whispered promises upon his sweet little head with the fervor of a new parent: I will protect you. You will always be loved. I will give you what you need. You will have a good life.
I did my favorite act of kindness for today’s theme. Favorite because it’s the one I do the most, it’s easy, and I get to leave a Kade kindness card.
I went through a Starbuck’s drive-through and bought the coffee behind me. (Well, there was nobody behind me this time, so I left $5 toward the next person’s order.) I’m up for some new acts of kindness ideas if you have any!
I’m glad I stumbled upon the MISS Foundation’s Kindness Project online years ago. It’s a way to put your child’s name into the world, and a bit of good, as well.
CarlyMarie says that when she finds herself asking, “Why?” she turns it into “What?” As in, “What heals me?”
I will try to remember that. I don’t ask the “Whys” as much. They are anguishing. But when they do arise, I will try to remember to turn them into “What heals?”
Yoga is healing for me, but I need to work on incorporating it as a regular part of my life. Same with meditation.
Time with my fellow bereaved moms is healing.
Date night is healing.
Family getaways are healing.
Journaling is healing.
Laughter is healing.
Time with a friend is healing.
Time with Kade (connecting with him, remembering him, honoring him, visiting his stone or his river) is healing.
Doing something that I know is good for me (like eating well, going to bed early, exercising, or keeping my schedule light) is healing.
Creating is healing.
Hikes/time in nature is healing.
I AM | Finish these 5 sentences
I wish: that Kade wore his soft burgundy flannel instead of me. And that the pictures I have of him didn’t stop at age 19.
I remember: his laugh and his voice, thank goodness.
I could not believe: that one so animated and talkative could be so abruptly silenced.
If only: I could call him up right now. It’s been too long.
I am: still experiencing a level of disbelief that this is reality.