blogging a to z april challenge – h

h – healing

When I was discussing the possibility of grad school with my counselor, she informed me it would be like a very expensive counseling session.

She wasn’t lying.

I had also heard that this kind of program is transformative; that I would not end the same person I was when I started.

Also not wrong.

The experience and all its layers have been healing. With every class, theory, self-reflection, project, and exposure to others I at least learned something about myself, if not also my grief.

Carl Jung quote

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blogging from a to z april challenge – a

I am participating in the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge. The goal is to publish one blog post a day for the month of April, except for Sunday, that corresponds with the day’s letter. I participated in 2016. That year I didn’t have a “theme” other than the general theme of my blog, honoring my son and my grief and healing journey. I enjoyed going back and re-reading my posts from the challenge, stoking my Kade memories.

I decided I will choose a theme for the challenge this time, beyond that of my blog. Recently I was given the assignment from my therapist to write about how my recent master’s degree experience has impacted my grief and my continuing bond with Kade. There you have it—my theme.

20180203_090420

A joyful milestone beginning my final, clinical, year of the program

Kade sunglasses cropped

Kade, Washington Park, Denver, 2010. Kade’s little brother, Asher’s, first outing after being born.

How my Recent Master’s Degree Experience has Impacted my Grief and my Continuing Bond with Kade

A

The word I’ll choose is ambivalent. I don’t believe I ever used this word, or knew its definition, before grad school. It means having two seemingly contrary beliefs, or feelings, at the same time. It’s BIG in counseling, mindfulness, and working toward being able to sit with difficult emotions.

I felt connected to Kade in my program with all I was learning and the program’s heavy self-reflection focus, and also disconnected from him (and my life) because I was so damned busy. I felt as if I remembered him more because I was experiencing class content that pertained to him, and also less because I made less devoted time for things like journaling and going to his memorial stone.

Ambivalent. I’m feeling ambivalent about the A to Z challenge right now. I’m anxious about my decision to participate, and I’m questioning this topic I chose, which is personal and a little abstract. And I’m happy I decided to participate to get me writing again, and to have completed my first entry.

blogging a – z challenge – “u”

U

This is the week before grad school begins. I wanted to have every aspect of my life in perfect array before it started. My home spring-cleaned, all the boxes on my long to-do list neatly checked, and new efficient home scheduling and organizing systems in place. But…that’s not the case.

I’m feeling unorganized.

Every day my immediate priorities take precedence, and I’m not getting to the long to-do list or spring cleaning. I try…but it’s all I can do to get through my pressing responsibilities like ordering and buying my textbooks, keeping up with my writer’s group (What? I might have to give that up with graduate school? Shhh…I’m sort of in denial about that right now), show up to my part-time nanny job, and, oh yeah, take care of my kid.

Is “it” ever all in place? Are we ever fully on top of it all, and caught up? Or is it continually a process?

I think I’ll just have to continue prioritizing. I’ll have to keep my extra-curricular activities light so that I can devote myself to my large commitment at hand. And keep chipping away at all there is to be chipped away at, when I can. And that’ll just have to be OK.